This week I was discussing dinner plans with my loving husband, Matt. As I’m from the south, I had a “hankerin” for catfish. Once decided, my husband got a gleam in his eye, one usually present when one has a stroke of pure genius (which is different, I’m told, from when one just has a stroke).

He looked at me with a giddy smile and said “I know what I could get you for Valentine’s Day!…A fryer!” He anxiously awaited my response.

Tenderly I thanked him, and explained that while I did not have a fryer, that’s almost the same as getting a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day. Though it is true that a fryer has distinct benefits that a vacuum does not: excellent fried chicken and fish.

And, truthfully speaking, I should be glad that he’s offering: it shows he’s listening and that he’s not afraid to introduce more fat into my diet…I suppose that’s some form of flattery…somewhere. 🙂 He was truly excited and just so darn cute about the whole thing, I couldn’t do the wife thing and get mad.

Any way, the end of the story is that he personally delivered a bouquet of red and white roses to me today along with a carton of Jones brand Green Apple soda…He’s very sweet. 🙂

Based on these events, I’ve decided to make a list of items not to get your wife (or husband, for that matter) for Valentine’s Day. I know there are folks out there who could probably get some of these items and thus turn V-Day into D-Day. Consider this a warning flare.

  • A deep-fat fryer.
  • A vacuum cleaner or other cleaning device.
  • A toaster.
  • Any cleaning agent of any kind, I don’t care how convincing that bearded guy on TV is. Oxi Clean does not a happy marriage make.
  • Anything diet or fitness related (Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!)
  • Any piece of lawn equipment that doesn’t have a cup holder attached.
  • Any hair removal system. Again, it doesn’t matter how convincing that bearded lady on TV is…
  • A self-help book.
  • Flowers that smell like anything other than flowers.